When it comes to change, it can be a challenge. It dame sure is a challenge to change. Especially your damn self. I know you’re probably thinking that’s bullshit. Comfort and complacency can not stand their cousins change and challenge. In fact, they can’t stand them motherfuckers. Now imagine the battle that takes place within my thoughts when these four start going at it. Not to mention comfort and complacency’s friends fear, doubt & worry and change and challenge’s friends faith, courage & hope making it even more complicated. I just want to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be and I must say it feels like a damn struggle to get there.
Transition with self is one hell of a space to be in. I know I need healing. I know I need to forgive myself. I know I need to LOVE myself. I need to be in LOVE with myself. But to be honest & straight fucking forward– I don’t love myself enough. Shit, I don’t even like myself at the moment. Let alone love myself? – ehhh, mmmm, sort of. Maybe some things. I am battling a battle with myself (ego vs. spirit) to figure out who the fuck am I truly.
I honestly believe I been living in the shadows for the last 12 years. On the outside there is a whole different person than on the inside. There are people who can relate to this notion. I hope. But for me, this shit is deeper than that. I operated in the shadows of myself and the person who I show on the outside is a stranger to the person on the inside. I do what I do out of insecurity and fear of being a failure. When they say “fake it until you make it”, I faked it but definitely don’t feel like I made it. Two degrees, 30 years old, Black woman with no children – external shit don’t count. How can I fake being who I want to be until I make it to who I aspire to be? It’s faulty messages like that I am trying to unroot from the foundation of my brain. This shit goes back to my childhood. One place I truly thought I would never have to revisit. Not all of it was bad as this statement may sound. Thank you therapy for bringing this to light!
Somewhere in the midst of growing up, there were messages that I was told about how to be, act, feel– what to achieve, do, be. Who gives much thought to the moment when you’re a kid. But over the last 2 1/2 years, I have just started learning about the impact of those messages and how much my subconscious recorded. Over the last 6-8 months though, fuck, geesh, like seriously, my subconscious just keeps spewing shit out. I feel like I’m going through self-detox or some shit. My mind and emotions have been haaard tooo faaacee (dreadful voice). There’s shit I faced about myself that I truly do not like. Owning and accepting what is coming up but doing it while being kind, loving and forgiving towards myself… that is another thing altogether. Being kind to myself feels a teeny weeny bit uncomfortable. Disciplining myself much through verbal abuse is how I got & get shit done.
All I know how to do is be hard on myself. That’s how I learned I must be doing something right. That’s how I’ve come define my value & my worth based on what I do and how others approve of what I do. The moment that I let up, I feel that is being too easy. I should always be pushing myself hard in order to be & do better. Right? If not, then I’m not doing enough. Right? Not feeling good enough… I operate from a sense of not feeling good enough. I chase things externally hoping that I can feel good about myself. I keep myself busy and spread thin because I equate that to being successful. I connect that to how I feel about myself and if I ain’t busy, I ain’t trying hard enough. I am not doing enough. I should always be doing. It’s through doing that shows others how good I truly am. Right?
Can you believe this is the shit I’ve been telling myself for years and now it’s a bad habit I have to undo? I have to unlearn this way of thinking. I have to incorporate a new way of thinking in order to change my behavior. I resent myself for this shit. I see this shit as more work to do that could have been done years ago. How and why do this shit have to be do deep?
I’m 30 years old & feel like this is the hardest fucking thing I have ever had to do in my life: study myself, learn about myself, accept what has happened as is (cause I definitely can’t change the past), forgive myself, give myself permission and create a new me. I don’t even know where to begin. I am caught up in the pain & challenge of change. OK, I do know where to begin but I’m struggling with acceptance. I know I have to do the work but damn is this type of work harder than going to school & trying to earn a degree. I also don’t have much patience with myself. I stay trying to accomplish too much at once. I’m a poor multi-tasker. And focusing on one thing at a time is like a joke to my overthinking mind. Here is where I am reminded of being kind to myself during this process.
The bully vs. the cheerleader… they constantly battle each other usually ending with the cheerleader being defeated. But she always shows up to the next fight ready to rumble. I am ready for her to lead. The self-work that I need to do is scary. Just learning that I need to forgive myself scared the shit out of me. Acknowledging that I need healing was eye opening. But accepting all of it and actively taking steps to work through it has been my greatest challenge yet. The old habits die hard. This is a process that cannot be rushed. I have some habits I need to develop in this process: self discipline, consistency, patience & action. Doing something new is never easy. Developing a new habit is not easy. Showing vulnerability towards myself & giving myself permission to be vulnerable is a new territory for me. Giving up on myself is too easy & most certainly not an option. The only option left is to do the things I have been resisting to do. It is to time be patient & engage in consistent action. Face everything and rise. And pray. Lots & lots of prayer.
Immersing In Truth 