In the Moment… As I Am

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Self-Development is a crucial engagement that will never end until the day we die. Sometimes I get so caught up in what I am doing on the outside of me that I completely forget to nourish myself from within. I’ve been reflecting on the past few years and I notice a pattern that I would like to break: working myself to the point of exhaustionFor me, I definitely have to learn how to be mindful when it comes to my health since I do have asthma. My chest area is very sensitive and respiratory infections are no fun to have. When I get a cold, you can only imagine how more mindful I need to be. But becoming aware of this did not happen in a blink of an eye. It took me years to notice this. This led me to conclude: I am the one when the plane is crashing and the air mask falls, I get up and help everyone else put their’s on. Which is not rule #1 being followed by the way. Then at the last minute think I have enough air to make it back to my seat to put mines on. Yeah, that’s smart. 

This type of thinking has led me to crash many times through sickness. I’m actually in the middle of making sure I don’t crash as I type this. When I absolutely have no choice but to be still and heal, that’s when I’m actually still. Well, at least I have to force myself to not ignore my body. This is definitely not a pattern I want to continue and it’s bad habit that can only be replaced with patience and commitment to change. This is where my self-development antennas go up. I have a secret but not really if I’m about to share it with you, lol. It is: I am struggling like all hell to become a better version of myself. And I know what you may be thinking “Ain’t we all?” and I acknowledge “yes, you are right”, then I would add “But I take that shit personally to the point where I need to learn how to become my own best friend-motivator”.

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I am learning how to not be an enemy towards myself. I have internalized some messages that have led to some habitual ways. In my frustration with some things that I have discovered, my first reaction is to rid of the shit instantly. I deny it. I don’t accept it. I ignore the fact that if it took years to establish itself as habit, it will take some time to uproot it. I ignored myself when I said: “TiElla, don’t treat this like a grey hair and rip it out, it will only come back twice as much”. I pulled this shit out and Voilà, I find myself in a circle dealing with the same emotional shit that I tried to deny in the first place. But this time, it’s all in my face like an onion in my eye. I have made the choice to admit– I’ve been trying to sprint a marathon. I’ve been chasing after who I think I should be. I’ve been trying to run away from the ugly part of me without accepting the fact, I cannot run from no part of me. I can only pray for enough courage to face it.

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It takes time. This I have to constantly remind myself. In all honesty, I am not in a race with anyone. I can’t treat myself like that. I am blessed to be self-aware enough to know and call out exactly what I am feeling and being able to do the work to understand where that stemmed from. Isn’t that what self-development is about? Being aware of yourself and gradually taking the steps necessary to get to the next level. I have to position myself as a student when learning new things and applying them. Like, I didn’t learn math overnight, lol. Mastering myself will take time but it is the best investment that I can make in this lifetime. The ultimate best investment.

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