Am I holding myself to a standard, I’m not ready to walk in?

Standard

Doing self-work is not easy. It’s not easy but it’s necessary. It’s vital. Just like we need air to breathe…we need to engage in self development in order to live fully. Yes, live fully. I don’t know what that is like for me but I do know I want to experience that feeling.

My process begins with self-forgiveness. I attend therapy once a week instead of every other week. I am in a weekly healing circle which focus is on forgiveness. I am engaging in a 21 day forgiveness journey using Iyanla Vanzant’s book “Forgiveness: 21 Days to Forgive Everyone and Everything”. I’ve been on day 1 for 9 days. Day 1 starts with yourself. It’s funny, in the last 9 days there has been a lot of transitioning happening. I know my decision making game is weak. Shit, I don’t even know where to begin or what to prioritize. Wooo Sahhh Even as I am writing this, my mind is like “um, should you really be doing this right now?”

But, I am making the time. Anyhow, back to the focus here.

One of the first things I had to do was look at a list of Emotional Trigger words to help me identify all the blocks that may be in my heart and/or mind. I don’t know how many is on the list but I know I have 166 emotional triggers.

166! To be honest, I was relieved after writing this list. I finally found the words to describe some really fucked up feelings. When I read over the list, I could literally recall past experiences connected to the words. I mean literally. To the damn bone. I realized this is going to be one hell of a journey. The next part of this is going to require change which means action is required. In the healing circle last week, a question that was raised that really plucked my mind ducts was Am I holding myself to a standard, I’m not ready to walk in? I sat there for a moment…I actually zoned out for a few minutes. This question made me think about all the shit I am doing and trying to do. What is the standard I am holding myself to? Am I comparing myself to others around? Am I in competition with myself or with others? What am I trying to prove? Who am I trying to prove it to? I am lost as shit in this process of self-development. I mean, I immerse myself with external shit just so I don’t have to face questions like that. Yet here I am. No where to run. No where to hide.

THIS SHIT IS REAL.

The question of Why? Why am I doing what I am doing? Survival vs. Purpose…survival vs. purpose. The tug-of-war of self. I don’t know if I lost my why or if I have been choosing superficial why’s. I think the superficial answer says it all. That question Am I holding myself to a standard, I’m not ready to walk in? really made me realize I’m not being honest with myself about myself. Why am I doing what I am doing? (teaching, joining a travel business, starting my own consulting business, writing…)

Am I holding myself to a standard, I’m not ready to walk in? Am I? Or am I afraid of my own light? I’ve been in the dark for so long, I’m a bat. I’m reminded of Nelson Mandela’s quote:

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The power of this quote hits deep for me.

In my journey of self-forgiveness, I am hoping that I build up my self-confidence. Not the false version that I have been operating on – self-confidence built upon what others thought of me, what I thought I had to be. Becoming who others expect me to be has embedded a bad habit – self-validation based on other’s opinions. It’s time to come back to myself.  That’s the only way to have authentic self-confidence.

I have to address the emptiness I feel inside. I have been unfulfilled for a while. Admitting and accepting that has been HARD. There’s been a voice inside that I have ignored that have gave warning signs about me being inauthentic. But of course my busy body self was to on the go to notice. And now, it’s a voice that can no longer be ignored. Am I holding myself to a standard, I’m not ready to walk in?

Who am I and who do I want to be? I feel like I’ve answered these questions but I realize maybe I provided a surface answer not inner depth answer. The emotional triggers triggered anger, ashamed, afraid, avoidance, busyness, doubt, conflicted, confused, insecurity, inertia, lost, heavy in mind, incomplete, laziness, stuck, resentment, numbed out, running away, scattered, self-conscious, overextended, overwhelmed, pressure, obligated, uncertain, worn out, unfocused, unprepared, weak, worried, cynical, drained, burdened, & concerned. 

I’m not comfortable not knowing & being in the unknown. This is where prayer, faith and God comes in. My control, over-planning, ready for anything, keep your eyes open self does not do well not knowing the next steps. Emotional triggers triggered perfectionism, control, failure, indecision, irresponsible, intellectualization, & being reactive.  Damn… I come back to Who’s standard am I holding myself in to begin with?

More reflection time needed…

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