Raw: Feelings

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Internal battles…

In this moment of my life I know what I am suppose to be doing. I am aware of the growth spurts fighting to spring forward but I have mastered stunting them–rather through my own deteriorating thought process or my self-absorbing emotional reactions to shit outside of my control. I’ve been fighting myself trying to figure out why I can’t get over certain shit–fuck it, why can’t I let shit go? Period, point blank. How can I fully immerse myself into Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements? Especially, not taking personally what others do to me because it is a reflection of their reality not mines. And my next favorite, do not make assumptions. I am a work in progress and I am fighting to love myself through it.

I finally admitted to my therapist that I have extreme resentment towards myself for what I have allowed to occur in my relationships with family, friends and foe. I am trying to love those feelings despite my disgust with even having them in the first place. I use myself and others clearly got the picture. Habits aren’t created overnight.

I admit, my problem through all of it, is not telling people how I feel. I have taught people that my feelings does not matter. When I have not spoken up and allowed people’s feelings, thoughts and opinions to become more important; when avoiding conflict has been my focus-I have allowed myself to be silenced by my fear of being misunderstood, not taken seriously and judged. I have always put others first without hesitation. I mean–thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc. No questions asked. And now I find myself angry, resentful and distant because I feel used.  I am a firm believer in “Do unto others, what you want done to you.” Having “expectations” seems to be a part of my problem. I do have a level of expectation when it comes to my family and closest friends. I don’t ask for much (barely ask for shit) and when I do ask for something I “expect” them to be there (for the one time I ask). Hence, why I don’t ask people for shit. Let me clearly explain: I understand in life not all things are going to go your way and my problem is trying to make sure everyone’s way get met. And then I find myself where I am at now, reflecting and overstanding why I feel the way I feel because of what I have allowed. It’s OK to be there for people but it’s not OK to use and abuse yourself in the process. If I treated myself with much more respect & self-love, the people in my life would respect me, my space and my boundaries. But I have not shown them that is how I deserve to be treated.

There are many relationships in my life right now that needs some redefining. One of them that bothers me the most is with one of my friends. I am having difficulty expressing myself in a friendship that has become one-sided. How do I even bring up that I feel this way without them getting offended? My friend has a history of shutting down and shutting people down when they feel “attacked”. It has come to my attention over the years that expressing yourself can emotionally dangerous when a person constantly and consistently brings up their feelings and what they are going through. I feel like I will share what I have to say and be told “but what about me and what I am going through and how nobody understands?”. Frankly, I don’t want to hear that shit. I been hearing that shit for so long, I wonder if the time I take to be of comfort is even appreciated (when I have sacrificed my mind, body and soul, in health and sickness to be there as a friend.)

LOYALTY can be a bitch.

I realize my fault in the friendship (not just this one) is:

  1. Not speaking my truth in the moment.
  2. Trying to avoid conflict by remaining silent & withholding my opinion.
  3. Giving more value to my friend’s space and denying the space I am in.
  4. Not being realistic with my friend. (saying the shit they want to hear vs. saying an objective truth)

Argh, my feelings are indeed in the raw. I’ve been avoiding my friend because I do not trust myself to be honest when I see them. I don’t trust that my friend will honor my feelings the way I have always honored theirs. I feel disrespected and used and I don’t trust them with that feeling. How the fuck did I get here? You would think with over 10+ years of friendship that this would be a lot easier to do.

I am trying to muster up the courage to say the bad things brewing within me to their face with love. Wow, that sounds really fucked up.

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