Processing…

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Ahhhhhh…

This past week has been filled with nothing but revelations and ah ha moments. Of course I discovered that in the midst of frustration, doubt, worry and self-negative talk. Reflection has been a major plus for me this week. I do realize that giving myself space and time with patience is exactly what my spirit ordered.

Don’t get me wrong, my down days are still unbalanced compared to my good days. That just plays to the skeptic that I am the more I am getting older. On top of the depression and anxiety that I am dealing with. Or maybe its just a mixture of all of that shit. Beats me, lol. Ha, I can laugh about it and not in that hide behind the mask type of way.

I have been aware for a long time that writing is what I need to be doing. I’ve dibbed and dabbed but because of my fear to tell my truth and write from the most authentic, vulnerable, transparent space within, I have honestly stopped altogether. Unless it was something for school, I haven’t taken the time to place pen upon paper. And the moments that I did try, I couldn’t stop critiquing myself as I wrote. Constantly trying to ‘perfect’ every line and what not. Always thinking about the “what if’s” and “should I’s)… what if people read this? Heard this? What would their reactions be? Should I write about that? What topics are off limits with regard to family, friends, my life? Right now, I’m receiving even more confirmation from the Universe and it just reminds me that although I feel like I’ve been slacking, I have the power to turn things around. I can work through the resistance by taking a chance, a risk. The Universe has always been dropping signs and I can’t lie, I’ve been a bit resistant with certain matters. I know for sure with writing–from poetry, to playwriting, to free writes, essays-pretty much anything where I have to get deep and personal, I’ve been afraid to write. I’m starting to understand why I feel like my work would cause nothing but conflict and controversy. I’m a woman who is Black/African American (but I prefer Woman of African descent born and living in America or the shorter version- Americanized African), who lives in a place that continues to deny history and will shallowly acknowledge truth. I’ve also grew up in a space where sharing anything personal is not an option. It’s nobody’s business. But in the same environment my voice has been shut down and ignored–whether it was one purpose or just a repeated pattern, habit, from one generation to the next.

But I can either let all that hold me back or feel the fear and write it anyways. I am learning that it’s important not to let in energy that does not need to occypy space within my spirit, mind and body that has nothing to do with me and all to do with people, systems and societal status quo pressures and what not.

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Changing the tone a bit…

I’ve been using my Instagram page as a way of therapy on top of my weekly sessions with my therapist, lol. It’s really been helping me especially when it comes to quotes that describe how I feeling or what I have been thinking about at that moment. Most recently I have been posting affirmations as a reminder to myself and a motivation for myself for the day. I have also been writing in my journal and pulling my Ancestor cards as a way to assist me with getting my positivity back. 🙂

I can definitely say I am working on loving myself through action. I am praying that I have patience with myself and get out of this “instant gratification” mindset that holds me back many times. I will learn how to take my time with myself and commit to me like I do for people outside of me. I will speak kindly to myself even though it will feel awkward at first but with more ease with practice. I must treat myself how I want to be treated befofe expecting anything of anyone else.

Definitely had a #BrainDump moment.

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