Where can one begin? As I have stated before, I’m struggling with finding inspiration and motivation to do anything for myself. When it comes to others, I hop, jump, skip… but for myself, I always put myself on the back burner. It’s to the point where I struggle with commitment. I can not commit to myself and things I want to do without feeling some sort of way.
I discovered I have a lot of resentment inside. Good news is I started therapy again. I’m at a place in my life where I feel it is best I have a therapist. I love my friends and family but there opinions interfere with my ability to speak open and honest without backlash. In therapy I am discovering that I need to seriously start thinking for myself and start doing what I need to for myself without feeling the need to run my shit by everyone close to me. I have definitely developed a dependent mind when it comes to what I should do. Always asking others (family, friends, mentors) for their advice on what I should do.
Now… due to this place I am in with myself, I feel some sort of way about the habits that I have developed over my 28 years of living. I am feeling all this anger and resentment and what fucking sucks is, I know the past is the past. I just never felt free enough growing up expressing myself or my feelings because most of the time I got shut down and there was “no time” to deal with how I am feeling.
I also learned in therapy, that this intergenerational shit is heavy. The tools that we were given in the toolboxes we were born with. I don’t say this in a bad way, I say it in a “we all go through a different level of fucked-up-ness during each generation” type of way. We each have to unlearn some shit that will not work for us as we grow into the ‘grown’ person we are meant to be.
It’s fucking hard to admit… I’m having a hard time detaching. Shit, I didn’t even know how attached I was to the people, places and things in my life. Guess how long it took me to write this truth?
I’ve been running from my truth because I feel powerless and hopeless. Afraid to embrace authenticity but craving to embrace it.
I know who I am to everybody else but myself.
Ain’t that some shit.