Coping: Just another word for Survival

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I’m trying to figure out how I can:
1. Keep my commitments to myself
2. Be consistent in my commitmentsto myself
3. Make myself happy from the inside out
4. Be inspired to follow my purpose

Lately… I have not been doing what I want for myself. I have become really good at making up excuses. Knowing damn well excuses are the tools of the incompetent used to build monuments.  Those who use them are seldom to succeed at anything they do. It goes something like that.

I fear writing. I’m a bit scared of the anger and resentment that will show through my writing. Aw fuck, I’m still stuck in people pleasing mode. I can’t even write in my journal without fear of being found out. I know I shouldn’t think that way and I trust very little and it’s getting smaller by the day. It’s funny and sad, I’m scared to do what I love-what I know I am meant to do in the pit of my heart.

I know I am in a torturous process. I know it’s by action that I overcome resistance. But I feel like there is no fight left in me. I’m fighting for faith. I’m fighting to see hope, fighting to feel it. I’m running out of fight, bite, might and everything else you can think of. And that’s all the shit I need for myself. I wonder…how did I give of myself to people all these years and just now discovering resentment? How do I “cope” with these thoughts in my head?

I hate that word.

I just want to do something healthy with these negative feelings and energy. I do want to write it out but how do I find the courage? How do I begin to trust myself?

That’s the real question.
The root of the problem.
Trust.
In myself…
My process…
In God.

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