Damn, this would be my second time writing this damn post. Apparently the first 354 words I had to say weren’t good enough to be saved. Shit?
I’ve been going through some shit. I haven’t felt like writing because in all honesty I didn’t want to see my tragic self all over the damn place. I’m in the middle of a transition that is kicking my ass. I am 28 years old and I know I am about to enter Saturn’s Return. That’s that point in your life where you enter maturity and should not be doing the same shit you were doing in your early 20’s.
This is an exhausting time in my life. Trying to find a job that will pay me better than it has before. What the fuck, I played the dumb system and got my Master’s degree. I spent my 20’s doing the ground work and for some reason why do I feel that that still is not good enough? Then again, I didn’t take up some STEM major so I wonder that means in this land?
Any who… I have been dealing with depression and anxiety. I guess my one foot in the past and my one foot in the future is causing me great stress because I am doing freaking annoyed by my present. I just want stability and consistency. It’s a suckey ass feeling when you know you are putting in the steps but still not progressing. There I said it.
These last few days have been full of something happening. I am trying to take care of myself in the midst of shit but I am not doing so well. I’m trying to take care of my family and most time I feel that I am not doing well enough. I should be further than this moment. At least that’s how I feel. I am wondering what moves am I not making that may explain why I am still feeling stuck.
Damn. The feeling of pressure sucks. I feel like I have the world on my back and no balance what so ever. I’m always tripping over myself. Plainly put, I’m always tripping. A pity party makes me nauseous. What’s crazy is, I struggle with dealing with my emotions. As a woman, in this world, my emotions seem to be my enemy instead of my friend. So I have even turned away from my ‘feelings’. I shut myself down only to allow the fluid to build up and up and up and up until I explode.
Any who, as you can see, I’m flooded with many things and categories to think about. I know i am not suppose to be the same or act the same as I did in my early 20’s or even before then. I know I have to learn how to trust myself and embrace this process with patience, faith and courage. I don’t trust myself. I have always been accustomed to trusting someone else and what they have to say. Still a bit wee stuck in being a child and being told what to do. And part of me has always thought that’s how it’s suppose to be. Now that I know that’s false. I am still struggling with giving myself permission to do what needs to be done for me. For TiElla. Hell, I don’t even know what I want to do for me without any type of external influence. Whether that be listening to someone else or thinking I need to obtain something outside of me in order to feel good inside.
I feel like I am stuck in a catch 22 phase with no balance and I’m just falling all over the place. I know there is work to do and I am so freaked out about doing that internal work. So much has come up for me without even realizing it, that I really don’t know how much more I can take. I know I have healing to do. I know I have childhood moments that impacted who I am today. But can’t I just accept that shit without acknowledging it– without facing it in my adulthood. The little girl within in contains quite some anger and she wants to seek revenge and dish out what was dished to her. She was shut down and silenced and for some reason I connect with that feeling and want to stick it to any adult who crosses me wrong or say some shit I disapprove of. That hurt, broken, silenced, little girl is starting to remind me of pains I have hidden or didn’t even get a chance to acknowledge when younger. And now I’m starting to feel awkward with these memories and moments that come up because in all reality, I just don’t give a damn to go back to those moments.
Getting older is some shit.