In this moment…

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It’s been a couple of weeks since I have posted anything. Most of it is due to my faulty time management skills combined with mental exhaustion. I’ve been stressed. I have been allowing my stress to dictate how I “respond” or should I say react. After teaching a workshop on attitude, I realize my attitude needs some major adjustments–from being reactive to proactive. I do have my moments where I exercise being proactive but for the most part I am still falling for the trap of reacting. Sometimes I wonder if my passion and strong feelings combined gets me in trouble, internally. I need to learn how to let things go and stop giving my energy to things I cannot control. Shit… I realize I am not as good as I thought at controlling myself. Especially in stressful situations with regard to bills and work, lol.

As of right now in my life, figuring out my next “work” adventure that would provide me some security with regard to paying my bills, has definitely been the focus of my thoughts for the last few days. Sallie Mae came knocking sooner than I expected and Fed Loans is right around the corner. Geesh. When will this shit stop? Answer: When I croak over. And my own entrepreneurial pursuits–in which I have not been putting myself into the way I want, has been knocking at the walls of my spirit. The other day I came to the conclusion that I need to step away from youth work as a “job”, so that I can rebuild my passion with working with youth. I’m tired.

On FB the other day, I posted:

I remember being “warned” at 21 about “burn out”. Burning out in regards to working with youth… dealing with non-profits and etc. At 28, I can officially say I am burned out and want to work in an entire different field. I love working with youth but I am at the point where I rather work with youth through my consulting business. I no longer wish to be “employed” doing youth work or working with youth for a while. Damn, it’s funny when you notice when you need a break. Every since I was 19, I was determined to do youth work and empower youth to create the person they wish to be. Hell, I went to Lesley just to design my own Master’s so that I can work with youth. There’s nothing wrong with that and as you learn about the system, you begin to see the truth of what things really are. And I must say, it does not give me motivation. Working in the belly of the beast can kill your ass. I’m the type to give 110% of myself to the work I do. When I start to feel the opposite, it’s time to retreat and regroup. I’m done with working with youth as a “job”. I don’t have any more of me that I can sacrifice and give, willingly. Today definitely taught me that it’s ok to change. It’s ok to step away from something you love in order to fall back in love with it. I want to be in love with what I do and I’m not anymore.

I realize I want to work with youth through my consulting business. I have been burning myself the heck out doing youth work at all ends–work, school, dreams… lol. I love working with youth because someone worked with me. I guess you can say I’m in “pay it forward” mode. But, I overdid something along the way which is why I am feeling this way currently. A break is good thing. Changing lanes is a good thing. If only one knew how long it took me to convince myself that that was ok to say.

The crossroads that we come to in life and the oh so many paths that lie ahead. Doubt and decisions is a toxic mix. There’s no time for that when looking forward. I am creating the woman I want to be, not finding her. I am creator. I have to embrace that without fear. Live in the moment and know that all will work out.

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