At the strike of midnight, it will be my 28th birthday. Well technically, I was born at 8:31pm…so I guess 28 will come full circle then, lol.
There is a lot of things going through my mind. I am in a space. I can’t really describe it. I mean, I can but finding the words to describe it may seem contradicting. Or maybe I just feel I would be misunderstood. As of today, it will three days since I have graduated and received my Master’s degree in Media, Education and Urban Youth Development. Ha, I can actually say, I designed my own Master’s degree. I have had the chance to create a degree that represents my passion. I am also the Supervisor of an awesome girls’ program. I get to work with 20 young women between the ages of 13-15. I am working on my connections with my family and friends. I am trying to make more time to spend and even if I can’t do that, at least reach out on occasion. On the external front, things are going well. I am progressing. Even though I have my moments where I believe I am not where I think I should be, I am where I need to be.
I am not good. I know depression is something that I deal with but I have not been good at admitting the ways in which that depression manifests itself. I do know that the relationship I have with myself needs a lot of work. I admit I have been avoiding myself. I use external things to keep busy so that I do not have to face myself. I keep busy so that I do not have to face the truth of who I am. I have been under the assumption that by keeping myself active that I am indeed doing the opposite of avoiding. But I have come to acknowledge that by having so many obligations and commitments outside of myself, I have created a space in which I am a stranger to myself. I have no idea what it is like to spend time with myself without feeling that I should be giving that time to someone else. And every time I give my time to someone or something else, I usually have too much on my plate and end up spreading myself thin. I spread myself so thin that by the time I think of doing something for myself; I’m too tired to do it. Thus, at the end of the day it’s my fault that I am in the space that I am in. This is not a blame myself, self-pity moment. This is finally calling the spade a spade. I had a conversation with a friend yesterday and I told her flat out, I am in place where I am so burnt out and tired there is no one to blame but myself all due to how I manage my time and and the lack of use of the word NO. Yes, I do have a hard time saying ‘no’. In fact, saying it makes me feel
guilty. Now don’t get me wrong, not everything I say ‘yes’ to I feel like I have to do. Many of the things I say ‘yes’ to, I genuinely want to do. And I know I have ‘people-pleasing’ syndrome. I know one of the things I have to work through is saying ‘yes’ to everything. Fully knowing damn well, that I cannot do everything nor can I be everywhere.
I know I have to learn that fulfilling things externally does not validate who I am nor how I feel about myself internally. Putting myself through such a cycle will destroy me faster than a blank of an eye. I am learning that there are factors of my childhood and teenage years that have contributed to how I feel about myself. I now find myself in a place where I want to break old habits and determine for myself what I want for myself without this heavy weight of feeling guilty. I know I am holding on to more feelings from the past than I would like to. My issue is not being fearful of what may come once I face the feelings that I have been avoiding. There are also so many things that I wish to address within myself that I am having a hard time figuring out which one to address first. Once that takes place, the other issue is figuring out how much time I should give myself. Sometimes I feel like I just need to get over it. But I know that is not realistic. I need to figure out a way to interrupt the pattern that is in my mind and my heart that is weighing me down.
What keeps you down can keep you stuck.
I do not want to remain stuck in this internal vortex that is taking its toll on me. I have to stop trying to plan out every detail in its entirety and when it does not go according to plan turn around and beat up on myself because I have internalized the situation as a failure-I am seeing myself as a failure. Gaining patience and letting go of control, I admit, is indeed an issue I have come to recognize. I am extremely hard on myself and I do not know how to loosen the grip. Forgiving myself, like honestly and wholeheartedly forgiving myself is still an issue. I am learning more and more that I need to learn how to love myself. There is enough hate in this world and the last place that I need to impose that energy on is myself. I guess I am acknowledging for myself that it is not to late and also at the same time, this is just the beginning of a new transition that will lead me into the next phase of my life. I am excited to be turning 28. I am excited to be getting older. I am hoping that will that I can let go of old ways of thinking in order to embrace the new. I wish to enter a phase in which I take action consistently with faith, courage, and patience. And by taking action I am able to face the resistance that I feel when it comes to exploring myself holistically and facing my truth. Faith. It all depends on my faith in the Creator. Fully letting go of worry, doubt and fear and fully embracing the truth of who I am in this moment.