I have been reflecting a lot about how I feel about myself, how I treat myself… it has led me on a journey to ask questions and feel feelings that I have been avoiding or never even slowed down enough to answer. After a conversation with my best friend, I realize my vice is working. I am a workaholic. I immerse myself in work and school in order to feel better about myself. I think if I am helping people and giving my time away all the time, I can fill this void of inadequacy that I feel-make myself feel valuable and needed. Only, little did I know the side effects of such a mindset. While it is good that I love helping people and giving my time away, I realize all that I give to others, I give none of it to myself. I do not treat myself the way that I treat others. I give more love, time and dedication helping others more than myself. Shoot, when one feels completely drained they have nothing left to give to themselves. At least I don’t.
I know, I know… “TiElla, you have to change that. Treat yourself with love and care, think positive and blah and blah and blah”. Look, I get it but it’s not all that easy to just drop a habit that you are used to- something that has become a part of your way of operating. It takes time.
The real issue is about giving myself that time. I have been doing what I have for so long that I somewhere down the line I convinced myself that I do not deserve to make that time for myself. Oh the excuses I made…others depend on me, I need to do this for so and so…
I have come to realize that I need to value myself. I need to love myself. I don’t know if anyone can understand my perspective. I have so many lens in which I look through.
I can’t believe my thesis and grad experience is what brought me to actually looking at myself for the first time in years.
I’ve hid so much from myself. I’ve buried so many feelings and didn’t even know I recorded so much in my subconscious. I have been empty inside for years but I was just to busy to take notice. Too busy building myself up externally in hopes that I would feel great about myself internally.
That shit hasn’t worked at all.
And maybe that’s why I am in the space that I am in. Discomfort. Maybe it’s a sign to finally slow down and feel all of the uncomfortable feelings coming up that can no longer be avoided by taking up more vices to keep numb from myself.
It’s finally time to face myself as a woman, who is of African descent born and living in America, who is college educated, has no children, started her own business, and strives to think on her own and do what her spiritual calling requires. I have been so caught up in creating an outer facade that my inner space is hollow and craving attention and affection from the one person that it needs it most from-ME!
I don’t know what train of thought I am riding on but all I do know is, I need to get off at the next stop and change tracks a.s.a.p.