When Losers Win


It is most certainly refreshing to see the faces of color and women taking home the emmy! We definitely need fresh perspectives to enter into this arena and it ain’t bad at all, more like long overdue for Hollywood to give credit where it is due. More like give credit where there was hard work done.

Susan X Jane

Remember when we were going to win so much that we were going to get sick of winning?  Still waiting. Speaking of losers, Sean Spicer made an appearance at the Emmy awards, playing his ol’ lying self.  He reprised his role as the liar of the liar in chief for a bit with Emmy host Stephen Colbert. We are not amused, Spicey.


Yeah, Colbert has made his transition to host of Late Night a success by railing nightly against the lunacy of Trump’s Tenure.  Sure, Melissa McCarthy has delighted audiences with her role as Sean Spicer on SNL. Of course, Alec Baldwin earned an Emmy for his portrayal of Trump.  But should we be laughing at Sean Spicer?  He wasn’t playing when he stood up and told the American public lie after lie, cementing an expectation that we would not hear the truth from Trump as early as inauguration day.

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In the Moment… As I Am


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Self-Development is a crucial engagement that will never end until the day we die. Sometimes I get so caught up in what I am doing on the outside of me that I completely forget to nourish myself from within. I’ve been reflecting on the past few years and I notice a pattern that I would like to break: working myself to the point of exhaustionFor me, I definitely have to learn how to be mindful when it comes to my health since I do have asthma. My chest area is very sensitive and respiratory infections are no fun to have. When I get a cold, you can only imagine how more mindful I need to be. But becoming aware of this did not happen in a blink of an eye. It took me years to notice this. This led me to conclude: I am the one when the plane is crashing and the air mask falls, I get up and help everyone else put their’s on. Which is not rule #1 being followed by the way. Then at the last minute think I have enough air to make it back to my seat to put mines on. Yeah, that’s smart. 

This type of thinking has led me to crash many times through sickness. I’m actually in the middle of making sure I don’t crash as I type this. When I absolutely have no choice but to be still and heal, that’s when I’m actually still. Well, at least I have to force myself to not ignore my body. This is definitely not a pattern I want to continue and it’s bad habit that can only be replaced with patience and commitment to change. This is where my self-development antennas go up. I have a secret but not really if I’m about to share it with you, lol. It is: I am struggling like all hell to become a better version of myself. And I know what you may be thinking “Ain’t we all?” and I acknowledge “yes, you are right”, then I would add “But I take that shit personally to the point where I need to learn how to become my own best friend-motivator”.

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I am learning how to not be an enemy towards myself. I have internalized some messages that have led to some habitual ways. In my frustration with some things that I have discovered, my first reaction is to rid of the shit instantly. I deny it. I don’t accept it. I ignore the fact that if it took years to establish itself as habit, it will take some time to uproot it. I ignored myself when I said: “TiElla, don’t treat this like a grey hair and rip it out, it will only come back twice as much”. I pulled this shit out and Voilà, I find myself in a circle dealing with the same emotional shit that I tried to deny in the first place. But this time, it’s all in my face like an onion in my eye. I have made the choice to admit– I’ve been trying to sprint a marathon. I’ve been chasing after who I think I should be. I’ve been trying to run away from the ugly part of me without accepting the fact, I cannot run from no part of me. I can only pray for enough courage to face it.

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It takes time. This I have to constantly remind myself. In all honesty, I am not in a race with anyone. I can’t treat myself like that. I am blessed to be self-aware enough to know and call out exactly what I am feeling and being able to do the work to understand where that stemmed from. Isn’t that what self-development is about? Being aware of yourself and gradually taking the steps necessary to get to the next level. I have to position myself as a student when learning new things and applying them. Like, I didn’t learn math overnight, lol. Mastering myself will take time but it is the best investment that I can make in this lifetime. The ultimate best investment.

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Am I holding myself to a standard, I’m not ready to walk in?


Doing self-work is not easy. It’s not easy but it’s necessary. It’s vital. Just like we need air to breathe…we need to engage in self development in order to live fully. Yes, live fully. I don’t know what that is like for me but I do know I want to experience that feeling.

My process begins with self-forgiveness. I attend therapy once a week instead of every other week. I am in a weekly healing circle which focus is on forgiveness. I am engaging in a 21 day forgiveness journey using Iyanla Vanzant’s book “Forgiveness: 21 Days to Forgive Everyone and Everything”. I’ve been on day 1 for 9 days. Day 1 starts with yourself. It’s funny, in the last 9 days there has been a lot of transitioning happening. I know my decision making game is weak. Shit, I don’t even know where to begin or what to prioritize. Wooo Sahhh Even as I am writing this, my mind is like “um, should you really be doing this right now?”

But, I am making the time. Anyhow, back to the focus here.

One of the first things I had to do was look at a list of Emotional Trigger words to help me identify all the blocks that may be in my heart and/or mind. I don’t know how many is on the list but I know I have 166 emotional triggers.

166! To be honest, I was relieved after writing this list. I finally found the words to describe some really fucked up feelings. When I read over the list, I could literally recall past experiences connected to the words. I mean literally. To the damn bone. I realized this is going to be one hell of a journey. The next part of this is going to require change which means action is required. In the healing circle last week, a question that was raised that really plucked my mind ducts was Am I holding myself to a standard, I’m not ready to walk in? I sat there for a moment…I actually zoned out for a few minutes. This question made me think about all the shit I am doing and trying to do. What is the standard I am holding myself to? Am I comparing myself to others around? Am I in competition with myself or with others? What am I trying to prove? Who am I trying to prove it to? I am lost as shit in this process of self-development. I mean, I immerse myself with external shit just so I don’t have to face questions like that. Yet here I am. No where to run. No where to hide.


The question of Why? Why am I doing what I am doing? Survival vs. Purpose…survival vs. purpose. The tug-of-war of self. I don’t know if I lost my why or if I have been choosing superficial why’s. I think the superficial answer says it all. That question Am I holding myself to a standard, I’m not ready to walk in? really made me realize I’m not being honest with myself about myself. Why am I doing what I am doing? (teaching, joining a travel business, starting my own consulting business, writing…)

Am I holding myself to a standard, I’m not ready to walk in? Am I? Or am I afraid of my own light? I’ve been in the dark for so long, I’m a bat. I’m reminded of Nelson Mandela’s quote:

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The power of this quote hits deep for me.

In my journey of self-forgiveness, I am hoping that I build up my self-confidence. Not the false version that I have been operating on – self-confidence built upon what others thought of me, what I thought I had to be. Becoming who others expect me to be has embedded a bad habit – self-validation based on other’s opinions. It’s time to come back to myself.  That’s the only way to have authentic self-confidence.

I have to address the emptiness I feel inside. I have been unfulfilled for a while. Admitting and accepting that has been HARD. There’s been a voice inside that I have ignored that have gave warning signs about me being inauthentic. But of course my busy body self was to on the go to notice. And now, it’s a voice that can no longer be ignored. Am I holding myself to a standard, I’m not ready to walk in?

Who am I and who do I want to be? I feel like I’ve answered these questions but I realize maybe I provided a surface answer not inner depth answer. The emotional triggers triggered anger, ashamed, afraid, avoidance, busyness, doubt, conflicted, confused, insecurity, inertia, lost, heavy in mind, incomplete, laziness, stuck, resentment, numbed out, running away, scattered, self-conscious, overextended, overwhelmed, pressure, obligated, uncertain, worn out, unfocused, unprepared, weak, worried, cynical, drained, burdened, & concerned. 

I’m not comfortable not knowing & being in the unknown. This is where prayer, faith and God comes in. My control, over-planning, ready for anything, keep your eyes open self does not do well not knowing the next steps. Emotional triggers triggered perfectionism, control, failure, indecision, irresponsible, intellectualization, & being reactive.  Damn… I come back to Who’s standard am I holding myself in to begin with?

More reflection time needed…

When You’ve Learned You Need to Forgive Yourself…


When it comes to change, it can be a challenge. It dame sure is a challenge to change. Especially your damn self. I know you’re probably thinking that’s bullshit. Comfort and complacency can not stand their cousins change and challenge. In fact, they can’t stand them motherfuckers. Now imagine the battle that takes place within my thoughts when these four start going at it. Not to mention comfort and complacency’s friends fear, doubt & worry and change and challenge’s friends faith, courage & hope making it even more complicated. I just want to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be and I must say it feels like a damn struggle to get there.

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Transition with self is one hell of a space to be in. I know I need healing. I know I need to forgive myself. I know I need to LOVE myself. I need to be in LOVE with myself. But to be honest & straight fucking forward– I don’t love myself enough. Shit, I don’t even like myself at the moment. Let alone love myself? – ehhh, mmmm, sort of. Maybe some things. I am battling a battle with myself (ego vs. spirit) to figure out who the fuck am I truly.

I honestly believe I been living in the shadows for the last 12 years. On the outside there is a whole different person than on the inside. There are people who can relate to this notion. I hope. But for me, this shit is deeper than that. I operated in the shadows of myself and the person who I show on the outside is a stranger to the person on the inside. I do what I do out of insecurity and fear of being a failure. When they say “fake it until you make it”, I faked it but definitely don’t feel like I made it. Two degrees, 30 years old, Black woman with no children – external shit don’t count. How can I fake being who I want to be until I make it to who I aspire to be? It’s faulty messages like that I am trying to unroot from the foundation of my brain. This shit goes back to my childhood. One place I truly thought I would never have to revisit. Not all of it was bad as this statement may sound. Thank you therapy for bringing this to light!

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Somewhere in the midst of growing up, there were messages that I was told about how to be, act, feel– what to achieve, do, be. Who gives much thought to the moment when you’re a kid. But over the last 2 1/2 years, I have just started learning about the impact of those messages and how much my subconscious recorded. Over the last 6-8 months though, fuck, geesh, like seriously, my subconscious just keeps spewing shit out. I feel like I’m going through self-detox or some shit. My mind and emotions have been haaard tooo faaacee (dreadful voice). There’s shit I faced about myself that I truly do not like. Owning and accepting what is coming up but doing it while being kind, loving and forgiving towards myself… that is another thing altogether. Being kind to myself feels a teeny weeny bit uncomfortable. Disciplining myself much through verbal abuse is how I got & get shit done.

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All I know how to do is be hard on myself. That’s how I learned I must be doing something right. That’s how I’ve come define my value & my worth based on what I do and how others approve of what I do. The moment that I let up, I feel that is being too easy. I should always be pushing myself hard in order to be & do better. Right? If not, then I’m not doing enough. Right? Not feeling good enough… I operate from a sense of not feeling good enough. I chase things externally hoping that I can feel good about myself. I keep myself busy and spread thin because I equate that to being successful. I connect that to how I feel about myself and if I ain’t busy, I ain’t trying hard enough. I am not doing enough. I should always be doing. It’s through doing that shows others how good I truly am. Right?

Can you believe this is the shit I’ve been telling myself  for years and now it’s a bad habit I have to undo? I have to unlearn this way of thinking. I have to incorporate a new way of thinking in order to change my behavior. I resent myself for this shit. I see this shit as more work to do that could have been done years ago. How and why do this shit have to be do deep?

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I’m 30 years old & feel like this is the hardest fucking thing I have ever had to do in my life: study myself, learn about myself, accept what has happened as is (cause I definitely can’t change the past), forgive myself, give myself permission and create a new me. I don’t even know where to begin. I am caught up in the pain & challenge of change. OK, I do know where to begin but I’m struggling with acceptance. I know I have to do the work but damn is this type of work harder than going to school & trying to earn a degree. I also don’t have much patience with myself. I stay trying to accomplish too much at once. I’m a poor multi-tasker. And focusing on one thing at a time is like a joke to my overthinking mind. Here is where I am reminded of being kind to myself during this process.

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The bully vs. the cheerleader… they constantly battle each other usually ending with the cheerleader being defeated. But she always shows up to the next fight ready to rumble. I am ready for her to lead. The self-work that I need to do is scary. Just learning that I need to forgive myself scared the shit out of me. Acknowledging that I need healing was eye opening. But accepting all of it and actively taking steps to work through it has been my greatest challenge yet. The old habits die hard. This is a process that cannot be rushed. I have some habits I need to develop in this process: self discipline, consistency, patience & action. Doing something new is never easy. Developing a new habit is not easy. Showing vulnerability towards myself & giving myself permission to be vulnerable is a new territory for me. Giving up on myself is too easy & most certainly not an option. The only option left is to do the things I have been resisting to do. It is to time be patient & engage in consistent action. Face everything and rise. And pray. Lots & lots of prayer.


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Article: ​16 Surprising Reasons You’re Stressed at Work


This article hit home for me! I have been soooooo stressed at work. From dealing with a micromanager needing constant connection to working in an environment that has waaaay to many racist issues (pink elephants everywhere) to feeling like I will not develop professionally because too many people hold each other back from change and progress to feeling depleted every morning when I wake up at the thought of going into work. Stressed because I feel like I can’t say shit without it being used against my Black woman ass. My character has already been called into question by the micromanager. Stressed because I am not looking to share my personal life at work and I can tell it’s a problem for certain white people. I get  anxiety instantly when the micromanager calls my name… I’m wondering how long will this 5 min convo last and what does he have to “bring to my attention now” and what questions he’s going to ask about my feelings and if he is going to say “maybe this can be an area of improvement for you” simple shit like my door being cracked with  large window on that bitch and still being told I come across as unwelcoming and it’s an open door policy here. Wait, open door policy does not mean barge the fuck in without saying hello or allowing someone 1 fucking minute to wrap up what they are doing. Geesh!

As you can read, I sit with this shit toooooo much and it’s to the point where I have lost my enthusiasm and motivation for this shit.

Woo saaaah.

​16 Surprising Reasons You’re Stressed at Work


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